Your Dating TalesTALES FROM THE DATING CRYPT…Crazy tales & advice in these crazy times!

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So I just noticed that everyone is publishing some type of woman’s guide to “catch” a good man.

The time old question a woman always asks herself is, “Why didn’t he call me back?” Trust me, I’ve been there too and I’m just as clueless as the next chick.  I’ve yet to read some of these books, but I’ve heard many of the authors on TV discuss some of the main points.  There are some UNIVERSAL rules that a girl needs to follow.  If you’re wondering what they are, refer to my previous post, particularly point #5

http://www.yourdatingtales.com/2009/05/05/want-a-good-man-then-dont/

DO NOT sleep with him on the first date. That is a sure-fire way that he won’t call back, unless it’s for another hook-up. And that advice isn’t coming from me–I’ve heard that from these authors on TV.

As far as any other reasons he wouldn’t call back…I’d love to hear suggestions so if ya got ‘em, send ‘em!

You’ll be doing a good deed for woman-kind

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Date story:
I’m not so sure if I should be sharing my business like this but maybe there is a lesson to be learned some where in all of this.

A while back I took out a friend that is kind of special to me. We never really dated or dialed the booty call number or the FWB thang but we did have that sexual tension and bragging about who would put it on who… As a Scorpio I have my little skills and talents that goes unmatched by others plus my ego to match helps as well. I try not to boast and brag to much or push a situation to a level where I’m not willing to commit to the following actions.

So one night I take my lady friend to a party that my peoples are throwing not as my date but as a friend with other friends. Of course we are dancing, drinking, flirting and everything else. Plus lining up work for after the party or another time. (should I define work? or will everyone get what I mean?) Because she is not the only one I’m flirting with and I know she’s flirting with the other guys in the party.  I continue making my moves shaking hands with all the right people and narrowing down the potential work for the night.

This bad Korean girl and I mean BAD! She was ready too and her friend too. I’m not sure if it would have went down that way but I’ll never know. After the party was just about over I was in a position where I had to drop off my car poolies. Damn but I’m not a ass so I talked with Korean girl to arrange the meet for when I dropped everyone off.

Now old girl that is supposed to be friend is all touchy feely in the back sit while my man rides in the front. Pulling on my ears, rubbing on my neck and once she in the front seat to be dropped of next her hand are all up and down the kid’s thighs in the crotch and everythang. We pull up to here place and we make out something heavy and I’m losing track of time.  My Korean lady is calling and just when I think its over and about to get to moving on she dives in like she’s about to blow the kids dome up and I’m ready for it!   But wait she just opens up my pants then lets her seat back strips off her stretchy pants and goes in on herself!

I mean full blown masturbation.

In my mind I know I got to get this into the house and I do and we are back to making out in the door to the living room couch. I got the key at the pearly gates of Venus trying to make the key fit.  I find the right keyhole and the key is just about no the key is in not all the way but enough! With a deep gasp ole girls sobers up, wakes up, or catches wind of whats about to happen and digs her nails into the back of my neck and says “No Reem you can’t be fuckin me; not like this” WTF! I’m in you! Now is not time to be saying no! I’m in you; not all the way but still in you can I finish?

Well I didn’t say anything like that but I thought it as she went into a emotional spill about whatever. I understand NO and even being intoxicated but I don’t think anyone is ever so intoxicated that they would just masterbate in the front seat of the drivers car then non verbally invite them into the house for more foreplay, let the guy get you undressed and ready to fuck…

Please if its not your intention to go all the way that night or any night please pump your breaks at the car door or the house door! I’m a good dude and take pride in that but WTF if I was just some asshole this could have ended badly! This shit wasn’t even really a date it was some shit that happened. Kind of like Biggie “I got a story to tell”

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Yes, it’s been some time since my last post…

I was out of town for 2 weeks and that’s all it took!

Why do the wrong guys ALWAYS come back around?  (On the subject of coming back around, Derrick’s post was soooo timely).

Two lame-a** boys of dating past were trying desperately to get in touch with me.

If you want to know who I’m talking about, refer to previous posts:

http://www.yourdatingtales.com/2009/03/29/please-spare-all-the-details-2/

http://www.yourdatingtales.com/2009/03/29/commitment-and-san-francisco-are-like-oil-and-water-2/

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A married man and a serial-online-dating-liar. WTF?

The married guy left two messages on my voice mail wanting to get together for lunch.  He also sent me an email wanting to know “what happened” to me.   First of all, I hadn’t been in touch with that guy since he told me he was married.  I didn’t want anything to do with him after that.  On top of that, he’s weird, not so good looking (think of a brown Humpty-Dumpty), and he’s got kids.  That’s just f-d up that he’s calling me.

The serial-online-dating-liar had the balls to send me a text saying “Hello, who is this?”  Then he turned around and call me right away.  His message was something like,  “Oh hey, I just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing.  Maybe I’ll be in the city sometime…”  Oh please.  Was he trying to set himself up for some nookie?  Well not from me, that’s for sure.  I told him off a LONG time ago so he really must have no self-respect.

Needless to say, I haven’t returned either of their calls.

Do guys have no shame? WHY would a lame-ass guy who has no business even breathing air try to contact me?

Maybe it was just coincidence that I wasn’t around.  Or maybe it was a blessing.

I remember a few years ago I was over this girl house and was chilling over there watching TV.  I heard the door bell ring…well you never who showed up.  It was a guy who tried to robb me a few years back!  That was the end of that relationship…

Fast quick story Philly is a small city got to watch what you do to other people in life you never know when you are goin to see them again.

From DMOBILE215

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The big dilemma in life:  which condoms do I use?

I was in deep conversation again with my crazy SF Friends, Chilli V from FiDi and Nick from Laguna Beach.  Remember them?

Ribbed condoms:  Do they work? My vote was “no.”

Nick’s vote:  “Whatever.  Ribbed for her pleasure.  Inside-out for MY pleasure.”

WHAT???

Chilli V happens to keep a stash full of ALL sizes.  Even magnums? Yes, even magnums. There is a small chance!   Smart lady.

I can’t say I’ve had that much variety in size, personally.  I use the “one size usually fits all” approach.  So that’s what I have.

Here is what we all agreed….If the guy is a total dick and you want to teach him a lesson, here’s what you do:  When things get hot and heavy, hand him a MAGNUM condom and say, “Here, put this on.” Unless you’re with a player from the NFL, NBA, or Mandingo himself, chances are it will be too big.

Just watch his reaction.

If you really want to be a bee-oych, say something like “Oh, but that’s all I have from my ex boyfriend.”

HA HA HA.

Then he’ll go limp and leave.

So the verdict is in.  It’s unanimous…

We like the CUT version. Men, women, period.

This past weekend, I was in deep conversation with a few of my new urbanized friends:  Nick from Laguna Beach, Chili V from FiDi, and in Davey D from La Mission.  Such a motley crew they were.  And yes, the conversation was real.  It was raw.  It was hilarious.  We somehow started about male circumcision, and all of the controversy I stirred up with my recent post.

My two cents were these:  “Aren’t there hygiene issues associated with not being circumcised?”

Chili V from FiDi knew it best:  “Have you ever smelled an uncut penis? Trust me, if it don’t smell good, it won’t taste good!”

EWWWWWW!!!!

Nick’s response:  “DUDE!  That’s disgusting.  No foreskin, no five-skin, no six-skin! NO NO NO!” Nick from Laguna even recited a true story of a woman leaving a guy because she couldn’t get over the turtleneck the dude was sportin’.

Davey D’s was perplexed.  “I can’t imagine a body odor coming from a guy’s johnson.  That’s just weird.”

Listen, I’m no expert.  Nor do I want to be.  But the votes are in and sorry guys!  We like the cut version better!

If you need help figuring it out, refer to the images below.

But WAIT WAIT WAIT! Women weren’t off the hook either.  Speaking of uncut, La Mission’s Davey D led us into the conversation about a woman’s natural born-ness.

We’re talking about the vajay-a-jay… SHAVE IT!

There’s nothing more disgusting than seeing a woman’s you know what that’s not taken care of.  Ladies, you gotta make the cut!

In Davey D’s words: “The natural look on a woman just isn’t good”.

We couldn’t agree more.

There’s a lot more from this conversation so stay tuned…

So now that I’ve pissed off all the guys, I gotta have it out with my women…

I am a member of a pretty nice gym and I’m there a few times a week.  As I walk around in the locker room, I can’t help but notice that almost every woman lounges around naked for no reason.

WHY WHY WHY????

Seriously.

I always see women blowdrying their hair with a bra and no panties on.

Naked women plop themselves down on the benches with no underwear or towel underneath.

Naked women sit with their legs wide open in the freaking sauna where it’s hot and you know it’s musty.  (And not to get too crass, but there are too many times I walk into the steam room and it stinks!)

I can’t stand it!  It drives me crazy!

My gym has towel service, so there’s no excuse not to have some decency and throw a towel on.

It’s not about whether or not you’re comfortable with your body.  It’s about respect.

Have some respect for those around you who may not want to see your snatch and everything else.

A little dignity goes a long way!

So I was chatting with one of my girlfriends this weekend and we started to talk about the C-word…

Not what you think.

Circumcise.

We don’t understand why there are some adult men that still aren’t circumcised!

And fine, fine.  It’s not up to a baby boy whether or not he’s gonna have the operation.  But a guy can make the decision as an adult.  So why doesn’t he?  Better late than never, right???

Really, not to disrespect uncircumcised men, but I can honestly say from first hand experience that it’s a turn-off…For me and for every other woman I’ve talked to.

Frankly, it seems like it would be more “painful” not to get the operation.  Is the guy not self-conscious all his life?

We’ll probably need the male perspective on it.  But from the WPOV (women’s point of view), ew, ew, ew.

If size matters at all, then believe that being circumcised matters for sure.

I have to get back to the point I made in the previous post.

Ladies, NEVER EVER EVER let a man pry into your financial situation.

Why?

First off, your financial situation is none of a man’s business unless you’re in a serious long-term relationship.

Second, if he’s asking, that means he probably wants some of it.

Case in point…

I’ve dated a lot of guys who made less money than me.  Not that I ever asked, but their professions usually dictated their income bracket.  And those were the EXACT same guys who attempted to pry into my financial life.

For the most part, the guy would try to “beat around the bush” and allude to my lifestyle, and press on how nice my car and apartment were.  This has happened with (among others):

1.  A guy on a first date.

2.  A guy I had been dating for some time.

3.  An ex boyfriend.

The guy on the first date had the nerve to say “Oh, you’re doing well for yourself.  Girls like you who make a lot of money always act the same way.”  WTF?  Girls like me?  I never told him my income or even indicated a range.  But that guy was a bum and felt like a bum in front of me. So that’s why he chose to put me up on this pedestal and make me feel like a “high maintenance” kind of girl.

The second guy did not have a profession.  He had a regular job at a store that I won’t mention.  But he would always say things to me like “Oh, you should just go ahead and buy this or that…You know you can afford it!”  I always thought of saying “Well, if you were a man and wanted me to have these things, then why don’t you buy them for me?”  This guy was totally insecure.

The third guy was just cheap.  He was actually a professional, but he had the nerve to straight up ask, “How much money do you make”.  And he continued to ask that same question from the time I met him to the time our relationship ended.  I always told him, “I don’t divulge my financial situation unless I’m getting married.”  Come to find out, he was always just cheap and DEFINITELY wanted to take advantage of my money.

LADIES:  If he does this, it’s a sign of insecurity.  It is very likely that he’s also trying to get into your pockets.

I know what you’re thinking and YES, it’s true…I need to start picking new guys

It’s a rough lesson but it’s true!

Ever dated a guy that didn’t place you in the primetime slot?…

Ever thought about why????

It’s a lesson that goes way back…

About five years ago, I’d met this doctor through an online dating service.  After we’d done the whole e-mailing bit, he’d called me to set up dinner for Thursday night.  Off to a good start

The night we met up for dinner was fabulous.  We were getting along great.  He even paid me a follow-up call the next day to make plans for the next weekend.   Those plans ended up being a movie on a Friday night.  By that point, I totally thought I’d scored!  A doctor?  Friday night?  WHOOP WHOOP!

The Friday night date was fun, but after that date, he never tried to put any moves on me.  No kiss, nothing.  I couldn’t help but wonder why he was holding back because we seemed to be getting along so well.

But oK, fine.  Friday night date….I was moving up the ladder.

The next time he’d asked me out was for a Sunday afternoon semi-formal jazz concert in the city.  I remember thinking…”Wow, he’s asking me out to a more formal event…I’m totally in with this guy”.

Once again, we had a lovely time on the date.

Afterwards, he ended the night with a hug.  WTF?  Was he gay???

OK, now something was wrong.  I mean, it was the third date and no kiss?

So that night, I had to see what was up.

I called him and said, “Listen, this may be kind of an awkward subject, but I have to tell you that the next time we see each other, I have to kiss you.”

He replied hesitantly, “Well, you know what I wanted to tell you tonight?  I am seeing someone else and we’ve decided that we’re going to start seeing each other seriously now.  I wanted to tell you but I didn’t know how…”

OMG, I was stunned.  But I handled it well.  I congratulated him and wished him luck.  After all, he had taken me on three great dates.

Unfortunately, this was a rough lesson to take.  But it is so true and it applies to both guys and girls.  Like my favorite matchmaker Patti Stanger said, “If he doesn’t give you Saturday night, he’s not that into you”.

And in this case, not only was he not into me, but he had a girl on the backburer too.