Your Dating TalesTALES FROM THE DATING CRYPT…Crazy tales & advice in these crazy times!

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Date story:
I’m not so sure if I should be sharing my business like this but maybe there is a lesson to be learned some where in all of this.

A while back I took out a friend that is kind of special to me. We never really dated or dialed the booty call number or the FWB thang but we did have that sexual tension and bragging about who would put it on who… As a Scorpio I have my little skills and talents that goes unmatched by others plus my ego to match helps as well. I try not to boast and brag to much or push a situation to a level where I’m not willing to commit to the following actions.

So one night I take my lady friend to a party that my peoples are throwing not as my date but as a friend with other friends. Of course we are dancing, drinking, flirting and everything else. Plus lining up work for after the party or another time. (should I define work? or will everyone get what I mean?) Because she is not the only one I’m flirting with and I know she’s flirting with the other guys in the party.  I continue making my moves shaking hands with all the right people and narrowing down the potential work for the night.

This bad Korean girl and I mean BAD! She was ready too and her friend too. I’m not sure if it would have went down that way but I’ll never know. After the party was just about over I was in a position where I had to drop off my car poolies. Damn but I’m not a ass so I talked with Korean girl to arrange the meet for when I dropped everyone off.

Now old girl that is supposed to be friend is all touchy feely in the back sit while my man rides in the front. Pulling on my ears, rubbing on my neck and once she in the front seat to be dropped of next her hand are all up and down the kid’s thighs in the crotch and everythang. We pull up to here place and we make out something heavy and I’m losing track of time.  My Korean lady is calling and just when I think its over and about to get to moving on she dives in like she’s about to blow the kids dome up and I’m ready for it!   But wait she just opens up my pants then lets her seat back strips off her stretchy pants and goes in on herself!

I mean full blown masturbation.

In my mind I know I got to get this into the house and I do and we are back to making out in the door to the living room couch. I got the key at the pearly gates of Venus trying to make the key fit.  I find the right keyhole and the key is just about no the key is in not all the way but enough! With a deep gasp ole girls sobers up, wakes up, or catches wind of whats about to happen and digs her nails into the back of my neck and says “No Reem you can’t be fuckin me; not like this” WTF! I’m in you! Now is not time to be saying no! I’m in you; not all the way but still in you can I finish?

Well I didn’t say anything like that but I thought it as she went into a emotional spill about whatever. I understand NO and even being intoxicated but I don’t think anyone is ever so intoxicated that they would just masterbate in the front seat of the drivers car then non verbally invite them into the house for more foreplay, let the guy get you undressed and ready to fuck…

Please if its not your intention to go all the way that night or any night please pump your breaks at the car door or the house door! I’m a good dude and take pride in that but WTF if I was just some asshole this could have ended badly! This shit wasn’t even really a date it was some shit that happened. Kind of like Biggie “I got a story to tell”

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Yes, it’s been some time since my last post…

I was out of town for 2 weeks and that’s all it took!

Why do the wrong guys ALWAYS come back around?  (On the subject of coming back around, Derrick’s post was soooo timely).

Two lame-a** boys of dating past were trying desperately to get in touch with me.

If you want to know who I’m talking about, refer to previous posts:

http://www.yourdatingtales.com/2009/03/29/please-spare-all-the-details-2/

http://www.yourdatingtales.com/2009/03/29/commitment-and-san-francisco-are-like-oil-and-water-2/

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A married man and a serial-online-dating-liar. WTF?

The married guy left two messages on my voice mail wanting to get together for lunch.  He also sent me an email wanting to know “what happened” to me.   First of all, I hadn’t been in touch with that guy since he told me he was married.  I didn’t want anything to do with him after that.  On top of that, he’s weird, not so good looking (think of a brown Humpty-Dumpty), and he’s got kids.  That’s just f-d up that he’s calling me.

The serial-online-dating-liar had the balls to send me a text saying “Hello, who is this?”  Then he turned around and call me right away.  His message was something like,  “Oh hey, I just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing.  Maybe I’ll be in the city sometime…”  Oh please.  Was he trying to set himself up for some nookie?  Well not from me, that’s for sure.  I told him off a LONG time ago so he really must have no self-respect.

Needless to say, I haven’t returned either of their calls.

Do guys have no shame? WHY would a lame-ass guy who has no business even breathing air try to contact me?

Maybe it was just coincidence that I wasn’t around.  Or maybe it was a blessing.

I remember a few years ago I was over this girl house and was chilling over there watching TV.  I heard the door bell ring…well you never who showed up.  It was a guy who tried to robb me a few years back!  That was the end of that relationship…

Fast quick story Philly is a small city got to watch what you do to other people in life you never know when you are goin to see them again.

From DMOBILE215

With the news of David Carradine’s death, I was saddened.  But then when I learned how he died, I was baffled.  A rope around his neck.  OK.  THEN a rope around his penis?  Oh my!

What’s up with the freaky stuff people are into?

Remember the guy from INXS years ago?  I was too young at the time to realize that he was into this same thing.

I’m totally behind so I just had to look it up…

It’s called erotic asphyxiation.  The rope tied around the neck is used to cut off the oxygen supply and stimulate sexual arousal.  The practice has been around for hundreds of years.

Here is the quote from Wiki: The idea for this most likely came from subjects who were executed by hanging. Observers at public hangings noted male victims developed an erection, sometimes remaining after death (death erection), and occasionally ejaculated when being hanged.   Various methods are used to achieve the level of oxygen depletion needed, such as a hanging, suffocation with a plastic bag over the head, self-strangulation such as with a ligature, gas or volatile solvents, chest compression, or some combination of these.

A little weird, a lot dangerous, and seriously SCARY!

Now the other part.

I have NO idea why a man would tie a rope around the penis. WTF????  Wouldn’t that hurt?

Can’t find anything on that one.  I’ll let you know when I do…

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The big dilemma in life:  which condoms do I use?

I was in deep conversation again with my crazy SF Friends, Chilli V from FiDi and Nick from Laguna Beach.  Remember them?

Ribbed condoms:  Do they work? My vote was “no.”

Nick’s vote:  “Whatever.  Ribbed for her pleasure.  Inside-out for MY pleasure.”

WHAT???

Chilli V happens to keep a stash full of ALL sizes.  Even magnums? Yes, even magnums. There is a small chance!   Smart lady.

I can’t say I’ve had that much variety in size, personally.  I use the “one size usually fits all” approach.  So that’s what I have.

Here is what we all agreed….If the guy is a total dick and you want to teach him a lesson, here’s what you do:  When things get hot and heavy, hand him a MAGNUM condom and say, “Here, put this on.” Unless you’re with a player from the NFL, NBA, or Mandingo himself, chances are it will be too big.

Just watch his reaction.

If you really want to be a bee-oych, say something like “Oh, but that’s all I have from my ex boyfriend.”

HA HA HA.

Then he’ll go limp and leave.

OK, this isn’t directly related to dating…

Or maybe it is.

I once dated a guy who was “afraid” to walk around with me in the the Castro district of San Francisco because he didn’t want to be approached by a gay guy.  GIMME A FREAKING BREAK!  He was a homo-phobe and you better believe I dropped his a** real quick!

Likewise, if a guy I meet voted “yes” on Prop 8–that means he has a problem with gay marriage–then he’s out the door, I’m sorry.

In fact, that will now be one of the first questions I ask a guy when I meet him! (Stay tuned for the list of telling questions I ALWAYS ask a guy.)

Why do straight people get so freaked out?  What’s the problem?

I can understand if gay rights impose on everyone else’s rights.  But they don’t.

Oh wait, but they can have a Civil Union….which is passively-aggressively saying that gay people are entitled to “less than” everyone else who has the right to marry.

Ridiculous.

And even if gays did obtain the right to marry, it’s not like they’d be taking anything away from straight people.

Conservatives, don’t even breath this liberal airspace!

I’m no expert, but I am a woman and I have a slew of female friends.

Based on a lifetime of conversations, here are the things I KNOW:

Women want a man who is loyal. Period!...No cheating, no thoughts of cheating, no looking around at other women.  Sorry guys.  You might be laughing your asses off right now.  Maybe this sounds unrealistic, but it is true.   Example: Men, if you’re out with a woman and an attractive woman walks by, you HAVE to act like you don’t see her.  You can glance at her for a second, but you must keep the attention on your woman.  Women CANNOT STAND it when a man practically breaks his neck to check out another woman.  Women hate to feel insecure, and that’s exactly what happens when you check out other women.

Women want a man who is financially secure…OK.  Most of us ladies aren’t digging for gold (at least the real women aren’t).  Let’s just get that straight.  But we do want to know that a man could take care of us in the long run.  Security is a huge emotional need for a women.  I think it’s in our DNA, but don’t quote me on that   Since the beginning of time, men have provided for their families.  Yes, times are modern, but the same holds true today.  It’s not to say that a woman shouldn’t make her own money, but a man should be ready, willing, and able with his money. Example: If a grown man is still living in a shit-hole apartment like some college student, then it sends a message to a woman that he probably won’t be able to take care of her.  No, women don’t consciously think that.  But subconsciously, you better believe it!  If men want to get laid more (with better women), then you need to live well and life comfortably.  I know that a man usually doesn’t think much of these things, and it’s like Dave Chappele said:  “If a man could f*** a woman in a cardboard box, he would.”  But a man can’t. Because no woman would spread her legs for a guy living in a cardboard box.

Women want a man who listens...This is the age old need for a woman to be heard.  I have the feeling that men get around this one by “tuning out”.  If you think your wife or girlfriend talks to much, then just ask the next guy down the line.  He would probably say the same   Most guys think that women just ramble to ramble.  Or that ranting has to do with “that time of the month”.  Wrong.  We actually want to be heard and we want YOU to do the listening.  Trust me, it makes a woman believe that you care.  You will be rewarded in the long run.  Example: Usually, I’ll tell a man some key fact about myself during our first date.  I’ll allude to this fact in conversation later on, and if he remembers what I told him, he’s much more likely to move to a second date, or better yet, second base.  Yes, it sounds ridiculous, but it is true.

Women want a man who takes charge!…A passive guy is such a turn off!  NEWSFLASH:  We want you to take control!  No, this doesn’t mean that you turn into an insensitive dick and bulldoze over a woman.  No, this does not mean that you completely ignore what your woman wants and take charge by doing whatever you please.  This means that you listen to your woman’s needs, then take charge of the situation.  Example: A guy invites me out to dinner.  I let him know that I am vegetarian.  Based on those facts, I would expect a guy to come up with a restaurant that is vegetarian friendly, and make the reservation.  All too often these days, a man’s comeback will be “Ok, then where do you want to eat?”  Unacceptable.

SO THESE ARE THE BASICS.  Easy, right?

Seriously, if men followed these simple and basic rules, they’d get laid more and/or they’d have easier relationships.

If you’ve got your own rules, then post ‘em!  We all (especially the men) want to know more!

So the verdict is in.  It’s unanimous…

We like the CUT version. Men, women, period.

This past weekend, I was in deep conversation with a few of my new urbanized friends:  Nick from Laguna Beach, Chili V from FiDi, and in Davey D from La Mission.  Such a motley crew they were.  And yes, the conversation was real.  It was raw.  It was hilarious.  We somehow started about male circumcision, and all of the controversy I stirred up with my recent post.

My two cents were these:  “Aren’t there hygiene issues associated with not being circumcised?”

Chili V from FiDi knew it best:  “Have you ever smelled an uncut penis? Trust me, if it don’t smell good, it won’t taste good!”

EWWWWWW!!!!

Nick’s response:  “DUDE!  That’s disgusting.  No foreskin, no five-skin, no six-skin! NO NO NO!” Nick from Laguna even recited a true story of a woman leaving a guy because she couldn’t get over the turtleneck the dude was sportin’.

Davey D’s was perplexed.  “I can’t imagine a body odor coming from a guy’s johnson.  That’s just weird.”

Listen, I’m no expert.  Nor do I want to be.  But the votes are in and sorry guys!  We like the cut version better!

If you need help figuring it out, refer to the images below.

But WAIT WAIT WAIT! Women weren’t off the hook either.  Speaking of uncut, La Mission’s Davey D led us into the conversation about a woman’s natural born-ness.

We’re talking about the vajay-a-jay… SHAVE IT!

There’s nothing more disgusting than seeing a woman’s you know what that’s not taken care of.  Ladies, you gotta make the cut!

In Davey D’s words: “The natural look on a woman just isn’t good”.

We couldn’t agree more.

There’s a lot more from this conversation so stay tuned…

So now that I’ve pissed off all the guys, I gotta have it out with my women…

I am a member of a pretty nice gym and I’m there a few times a week.  As I walk around in the locker room, I can’t help but notice that almost every woman lounges around naked for no reason.

WHY WHY WHY????

Seriously.

I always see women blowdrying their hair with a bra and no panties on.

Naked women plop themselves down on the benches with no underwear or towel underneath.

Naked women sit with their legs wide open in the freaking sauna where it’s hot and you know it’s musty.  (And not to get too crass, but there are too many times I walk into the steam room and it stinks!)

I can’t stand it!  It drives me crazy!

My gym has towel service, so there’s no excuse not to have some decency and throw a towel on.

It’s not about whether or not you’re comfortable with your body.  It’s about respect.

Have some respect for those around you who may not want to see your snatch and everything else.

A little dignity goes a long way!

So I was chatting with one of my girlfriends this weekend and we started to talk about the C-word…

Not what you think.

Circumcise.

We don’t understand why there are some adult men that still aren’t circumcised!

And fine, fine.  It’s not up to a baby boy whether or not he’s gonna have the operation.  But a guy can make the decision as an adult.  So why doesn’t he?  Better late than never, right???

Really, not to disrespect uncircumcised men, but I can honestly say from first hand experience that it’s a turn-off…For me and for every other woman I’ve talked to.

Frankly, it seems like it would be more “painful” not to get the operation.  Is the guy not self-conscious all his life?

We’ll probably need the male perspective on it.  But from the WPOV (women’s point of view), ew, ew, ew.

If size matters at all, then believe that being circumcised matters for sure.