Your Dating TalesTALES FROM THE DATING CRYPT…Crazy tales & advice in these crazy times!

Are there any honest men out there?  Why are so many men in politics cheats?

Check out the latest…

1.  Mark Sanford

“Serious misconduct”?  Umm…Yeah!  How about serious deception…to the public!

WATCH HIM SQUIRM!

MARK SANFORD DECEPTION….ARGENTINE STYLE.

2.  John Edwards.

This one is juicy because he’s allegedly the baby daddy.  And while his wife was sick?  Down right LOW.

WATCH HIM EARLY ON.

I AINT THAT BABY DADDY!…..OH WAIT, YES I AM.

3.  Bernie Madoff

OK, he’s not a politician.  But WHAT?  This guy betrayed the public AND his wife?!  Can you really trust a guy that steals billions?  Stay tuned…I’m sure the mistress will be on camera soon.

NOT A LOOKER….BUT STILL A CROOKER. AND A CHEATER.

4.  Eliot Spitzer

I’m sorry.  He just looks slimy.  Pathetic.

POLITICS IS ABOUT THE PUBLIC GOOD. SO HE SAYS…

NEW YORKS FINEST….DISGRACE.

5.  Larry Craig

A while back but worth mentioning.  What a liar.  Since when does anyone put their hand down while taking a dump in a bathroom stall?

WATCH HIS WIFE DEFEND HIM!

DUDE, JUST ADMIT IT. YOU ARE GAY.

The list goes on and on, really.  I’m not gonna go back to Clinton and JFK.  That’s been done.

Next list is the athletes…That will be a LONG ONE!

With the news of David Carradine’s death, I was saddened.  But then when I learned how he died, I was baffled.  A rope around his neck.  OK.  THEN a rope around his penis?  Oh my!

What’s up with the freaky stuff people are into?

Remember the guy from INXS years ago?  I was too young at the time to realize that he was into this same thing.

I’m totally behind so I just had to look it up…

It’s called erotic asphyxiation.  The rope tied around the neck is used to cut off the oxygen supply and stimulate sexual arousal.  The practice has been around for hundreds of years.

Here is the quote from Wiki: The idea for this most likely came from subjects who were executed by hanging. Observers at public hangings noted male victims developed an erection, sometimes remaining after death (death erection), and occasionally ejaculated when being hanged.   Various methods are used to achieve the level of oxygen depletion needed, such as a hanging, suffocation with a plastic bag over the head, self-strangulation such as with a ligature, gas or volatile solvents, chest compression, or some combination of these.

A little weird, a lot dangerous, and seriously SCARY!

Now the other part.

I have NO idea why a man would tie a rope around the penis. WTF????  Wouldn’t that hurt?

Can’t find anything on that one.  I’ll let you know when I do…

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The big dilemma in life:  which condoms do I use?

I was in deep conversation again with my crazy SF Friends, Chilli V from FiDi and Nick from Laguna Beach.  Remember them?

Ribbed condoms:  Do they work? My vote was “no.”

Nick’s vote:  “Whatever.  Ribbed for her pleasure.  Inside-out for MY pleasure.”

WHAT???

Chilli V happens to keep a stash full of ALL sizes.  Even magnums? Yes, even magnums. There is a small chance!   Smart lady.

I can’t say I’ve had that much variety in size, personally.  I use the “one size usually fits all” approach.  So that’s what I have.

Here is what we all agreed….If the guy is a total dick and you want to teach him a lesson, here’s what you do:  When things get hot and heavy, hand him a MAGNUM condom and say, “Here, put this on.” Unless you’re with a player from the NFL, NBA, or Mandingo himself, chances are it will be too big.

Just watch his reaction.

If you really want to be a bee-oych, say something like “Oh, but that’s all I have from my ex boyfriend.”

HA HA HA.

Then he’ll go limp and leave.

So the verdict is in.  It’s unanimous…

We like the CUT version. Men, women, period.

This past weekend, I was in deep conversation with a few of my new urbanized friends:  Nick from Laguna Beach, Chili V from FiDi, and in Davey D from La Mission.  Such a motley crew they were.  And yes, the conversation was real.  It was raw.  It was hilarious.  We somehow started about male circumcision, and all of the controversy I stirred up with my recent post.

My two cents were these:  “Aren’t there hygiene issues associated with not being circumcised?”

Chili V from FiDi knew it best:  “Have you ever smelled an uncut penis? Trust me, if it don’t smell good, it won’t taste good!”

EWWWWWW!!!!

Nick’s response:  “DUDE!  That’s disgusting.  No foreskin, no five-skin, no six-skin! NO NO NO!” Nick from Laguna even recited a true story of a woman leaving a guy because she couldn’t get over the turtleneck the dude was sportin’.

Davey D’s was perplexed.  “I can’t imagine a body odor coming from a guy’s johnson.  That’s just weird.”

Listen, I’m no expert.  Nor do I want to be.  But the votes are in and sorry guys!  We like the cut version better!

If you need help figuring it out, refer to the images below.

But WAIT WAIT WAIT! Women weren’t off the hook either.  Speaking of uncut, La Mission’s Davey D led us into the conversation about a woman’s natural born-ness.

We’re talking about the vajay-a-jay… SHAVE IT!

There’s nothing more disgusting than seeing a woman’s you know what that’s not taken care of.  Ladies, you gotta make the cut!

In Davey D’s words: “The natural look on a woman just isn’t good”.

We couldn’t agree more.

There’s a lot more from this conversation so stay tuned…

So now that I’ve pissed off all the guys, I gotta have it out with my women…

I am a member of a pretty nice gym and I’m there a few times a week.  As I walk around in the locker room, I can’t help but notice that almost every woman lounges around naked for no reason.

WHY WHY WHY????

Seriously.

I always see women blowdrying their hair with a bra and no panties on.

Naked women plop themselves down on the benches with no underwear or towel underneath.

Naked women sit with their legs wide open in the freaking sauna where it’s hot and you know it’s musty.  (And not to get too crass, but there are too many times I walk into the steam room and it stinks!)

I can’t stand it!  It drives me crazy!

My gym has towel service, so there’s no excuse not to have some decency and throw a towel on.

It’s not about whether or not you’re comfortable with your body.  It’s about respect.

Have some respect for those around you who may not want to see your snatch and everything else.

A little dignity goes a long way!

So I was chatting with one of my girlfriends this weekend and we started to talk about the C-word…

Not what you think.

Circumcise.

We don’t understand why there are some adult men that still aren’t circumcised!

And fine, fine.  It’s not up to a baby boy whether or not he’s gonna have the operation.  But a guy can make the decision as an adult.  So why doesn’t he?  Better late than never, right???

Really, not to disrespect uncircumcised men, but I can honestly say from first hand experience that it’s a turn-off…For me and for every other woman I’ve talked to.

Frankly, it seems like it would be more “painful” not to get the operation.  Is the guy not self-conscious all his life?

We’ll probably need the male perspective on it.  But from the WPOV (women’s point of view), ew, ew, ew.

If size matters at all, then believe that being circumcised matters for sure.

By Guestblogger Simone Grant

Simone Grant is a writer who lives in NYC. She blogs daily at Sex, Lies and Dating in the City.

I’m not, nor have I ever been, one of those girls who talks about sex with her friends.  If something, um, unpleasant happens with a guy or someone turns out to be less than what I would’ve hoped for in the sack, that’s not info I’d share in graphic detail with anyone.  Nor have I ever heard anyone else’s horror stories.  It’s just not my style.

Well, according to this website, I’ve had pretty good luck all of these years and should be sending out thankyou cards to all of my exes for not being douchebags. Well, to most of my exes.

Anyway, after reading a few dozen of these pitiful submissions I started to think back and wonder – Do I have anything to compare?

Here they are, in no particular order, my own “Sorry Mom” list:

· I’d gone out with this guy a couple times and thought I might REALLY like him.  He seemed nice and thoughtful (which was strange because he was a lawyer and I don’t think of lawyers as nice and thoughtful, in fact I usually avoid them altogether) and as an added bonus he was a great kisser.  And then we had sex.  It took him approx 15 seconds.  He actually said, “I’m sorry, I’m done,” in this little adolescent voice that came out of nowhere.  There was no second act.  Of course I never saw him again.  I can forgive a lot of things, but I can’t forgive bad in bed.

· I was young but not naive.  He was a little bit older.  I was young enough that the 8 or whatever years felt like a lot because I was still a college student and he was a real grown up.  He considered himself a good Catholic and there was a giant crucifix over his bed. Every time we had sex he would say he was going to “give me a baby” right as he came (yes, we were using protection).  He was going to be away for a week.  Right before he left he arranged for me to meet a good friend of his.  He went out of his way to hint/suggest that his good friend keep me company while he was away.  Um, no, I didn’t see him again after that.

· Handsome guy, though older than he said he was online (either that or not aging well).  He was sweet enough and we had fun on our first date. We ended up at my place after a hot makeout session on the sidewalk outside the place we went to on our second date.  Everything seemed fine when we first walked in, we were kissing on my sofa.  Then I paused and said I needed to use the bathroom.  He said, “Can I watch?”  He was not joking.  I wish I could say that I threw him out at that point, but I didn’t.  I was horny and up til that moment everything was good.  I went, with the door firmly shut, and then we eventually ended up naked in the bedroom.  It was not good.  I wish I could say it was quick and not good, but it wasn’t.  It was one of those grin and bear it sessions.  He was from the old jackhammer school.  On the bright side, he didn’t try to stay the night so I got to take a nice, hot bath afterwards.

A version of this article was posted on my blog, Sex, Lies and Dating in the City on February 8, 2009.

This is a quickie tip for both guys and girls…

I’d met a guy several weeks ago who was totally cool.  We got along just fab and I even sensed a little chemistry, ooooh! We had a fantastic date; conversation was flowing, he paid for the meal without hesitation, and he even walked me home.

Low and behold, I was correctomundo on the chemistry because he attempted a kiss at the end of the night.

To my total displeasure, his attempt was a freaking disaster!

Why?  You might ask…

His breath smelled like a TOILET!  A toilet full of cigarettes and a bunch of other nasty sh**.

Normally, my sense of smell is right on.  But for some reason, I couldn’t detect the repugnancy of his breath while I was talking to him.

Seriously, it was such a shame.

I just had to turn my head.  And that was the end of the night, and unfortunately, the last time I wanted to see him.

Such sadness I feel when I think that a cool guy completely ruined his chances and his reputation with foul hygiene.

This is an easy and free tip for everyone!  Wash your freaking mouth out because you never know where or when you might have to use it.

This one is an uber short but not-so-sweet lesson for everyone…

I was out on a random night in the city and happened to become acquainted with this cute guy. He was super cool and easy-going, so we met up on another day for early drinks. We were getting to know each other and continued to hang out casually for another month.

One day, he invited me over to his house and I accepted. It was broad daylight when I went over there, and I figured there was no harm in a daytime visit.

When I arrived, I was FLOORED. The house was a HOT MESS! I mean, BEYOND a mess. It looked like someone had thrown a wild party the night before; the carpet was disgusting, furniture was displaced, the tables and counters had dirty dishes all over them.

What was weird to me was that he didn’t even acknowledge this chaos going on!

Even more disturbing was that he continued to give me a tour of the ENTIRE house.

This really irked me. The whole time, I was thinking “If you knew your house was this freaking disgusting, why did you invite me over here????” But the problem was that I didn’t think he knew.

Finally, we got to the worst part. We arrived in his sleeping area, which by the way, wasn’t his bedroom….it was the garage. Don’t ask me why he didn’t have a bedroom. Trust me, I didn’t want to know.

To my absolute disgust, his UNDERWEAR were laying all over the place!

Seriously.

They were spread over his futon, the chairs, anywhere he could put them. I don’t know if he was drying them out after being washed, but let me tell you, they didn’t appear to be clean.

At that point, I was OUT. I couldn’t take it anymore.

I abruptly left and never spoke to him again.

This is an EASY and FREE lesson for everyone….At some point, we all have a dirty room and house to clean (some of us more often than others). But for goodness sake, DON’T EXPOSE ANYONE TO IT!

And I know that sometimes we women have a tendency to leave our bras and panties lying all over our rooms, but listen, it’s called underwear for a reason! If you’re gonna have someone over, don’t leave it out!