Your Dating TalesTALES FROM THE DATING CRYPT…Crazy tales & advice in these crazy times!

With the news of David Carradine’s death, I was saddened.  But then when I learned how he died, I was baffled.  A rope around his neck.  OK.  THEN a rope around his penis?  Oh my!

What’s up with the freaky stuff people are into?

Remember the guy from INXS years ago?  I was too young at the time to realize that he was into this same thing.

I’m totally behind so I just had to look it up…

It’s called erotic asphyxiation.  The rope tied around the neck is used to cut off the oxygen supply and stimulate sexual arousal.  The practice has been around for hundreds of years.

Here is the quote from Wiki: The idea for this most likely came from subjects who were executed by hanging. Observers at public hangings noted male victims developed an erection, sometimes remaining after death (death erection), and occasionally ejaculated when being hanged.   Various methods are used to achieve the level of oxygen depletion needed, such as a hanging, suffocation with a plastic bag over the head, self-strangulation such as with a ligature, gas or volatile solvents, chest compression, or some combination of these.

A little weird, a lot dangerous, and seriously SCARY!

Now the other part.

I have NO idea why a man would tie a rope around the penis. WTF????  Wouldn’t that hurt?

Can’t find anything on that one.  I’ll let you know when I do…

This is a short but sweet list of five of things guys have done on dates that have freaked me out…

1. I was out to dinner with a guy who didn’t listen to a word I would say.  Everything I said to him had to be repeated.

At some point, I told him that I was vegetarian.

Later on, wanting to share his food without telling me, he cut off a huge piece of his steak and placed it on my plate.

I was mortified!  (Keep in mind, I haven’t eaten meat for 20 years.)

2. A guy sitting across from me at lunch on a hot summer day paid me this compliment:  “You have beautiful eyes.”

Me:  “Oh, but I’m wearing sunglasses!  You can’t see them.”

Him:  “I can see everything”.

Me thinking:  Weirdo!

3. I was out to dinner with a guy I’d just met, and he was totally boring to me.  After 2 hours, I told him that I had to get home and get some rest.  Our waitress was around somewhere, but we didn’t see her right away.

My date was so eager to fulfill my request that he invaded the restaurant kitchen to look for the waitress.

I was so embarassed that I had to wait for him outside.

4. I met a guy for a drink date in the Castro.  He was definitely hot and a lot of the men passing by were staring.

Finally, some of those men were bold enough to start talking to my date.

And to my total shock, my date flirted back with the guys!!!!!

I think he was really playing for the other team

5. A guy asked me to pay for dinner.

NEVER!

So here is yet another free and easy thing a man can do to impress a girl…

Have a plan when you see her for your date!

Case in point…

A few years back, I met this really good looking guy on a social networking site that I frequent.  After a couple of emails, he gave me a call and we decided to meet up.  Lucky for me, he lived in San Francisco!

He wanted me to meet him outside of his office building downtown.  I thought it was a little weird, but giving him the benefit, I thought, “we’re probably heading to dinner downtown anyway.”

So when I saw him, I was like, “damn, he’s hot!”…even better looking than his pictures.  Tall, hot, nice guy.  I scored.

When I asked him where we were going, he was like “Oh, I don’t know yet.”

WHAT???  You asked me to meet you down here and you didn’t think about where we’d go??

Then he said to me, “Well, don’ t you know of some place?  How long have you lived in San Francisco anyway?”

RIDUCULOUS, right?

We ended up walking around downtown for over 1 hour searching for a place to eat.  It sucked because I was wearing heels!

Unfortunately, we only found a place for drinks and I was starving.

Honestly, he was a nice guy.  Being that he was so tall and good looking was a plus.

But a man without a plan…PRETTY WEAK.

He called me several times and wanted to “take me out” again.  But a guy like that gets NO play from me.

Ladies, if he invites you out, remember…A REAL MAN MAKES A PLAN!

By Guestblogger Simone Grant

Simone Grant is a writer who lives in NYC. She blogs daily at Sex, Lies and Dating in the City.

I’m not, nor have I ever been, one of those girls who talks about sex with her friends.  If something, um, unpleasant happens with a guy or someone turns out to be less than what I would’ve hoped for in the sack, that’s not info I’d share in graphic detail with anyone.  Nor have I ever heard anyone else’s horror stories.  It’s just not my style.

Well, according to this website, I’ve had pretty good luck all of these years and should be sending out thankyou cards to all of my exes for not being douchebags. Well, to most of my exes.

Anyway, after reading a few dozen of these pitiful submissions I started to think back and wonder – Do I have anything to compare?

Here they are, in no particular order, my own “Sorry Mom” list:

· I’d gone out with this guy a couple times and thought I might REALLY like him.  He seemed nice and thoughtful (which was strange because he was a lawyer and I don’t think of lawyers as nice and thoughtful, in fact I usually avoid them altogether) and as an added bonus he was a great kisser.  And then we had sex.  It took him approx 15 seconds.  He actually said, “I’m sorry, I’m done,” in this little adolescent voice that came out of nowhere.  There was no second act.  Of course I never saw him again.  I can forgive a lot of things, but I can’t forgive bad in bed.

· I was young but not naive.  He was a little bit older.  I was young enough that the 8 or whatever years felt like a lot because I was still a college student and he was a real grown up.  He considered himself a good Catholic and there was a giant crucifix over his bed. Every time we had sex he would say he was going to “give me a baby” right as he came (yes, we were using protection).  He was going to be away for a week.  Right before he left he arranged for me to meet a good friend of his.  He went out of his way to hint/suggest that his good friend keep me company while he was away.  Um, no, I didn’t see him again after that.

· Handsome guy, though older than he said he was online (either that or not aging well).  He was sweet enough and we had fun on our first date. We ended up at my place after a hot makeout session on the sidewalk outside the place we went to on our second date.  Everything seemed fine when we first walked in, we were kissing on my sofa.  Then I paused and said I needed to use the bathroom.  He said, “Can I watch?”  He was not joking.  I wish I could say that I threw him out at that point, but I didn’t.  I was horny and up til that moment everything was good.  I went, with the door firmly shut, and then we eventually ended up naked in the bedroom.  It was not good.  I wish I could say it was quick and not good, but it wasn’t.  It was one of those grin and bear it sessions.  He was from the old jackhammer school.  On the bright side, he didn’t try to stay the night so I got to take a nice, hot bath afterwards.

A version of this article was posted on my blog, Sex, Lies and Dating in the City on February 8, 2009.

This is going back a bit, but it’s a good one so I must share!

I was out with a group of my single girlfriends…Ladies night and we were fierce. Low and behold, a group of single guys approached us. We started talking to them and everyone was having fun; conversation and drinks were flowin. With that said, the guy interested in me was the one buying all of the drinks. And like a true glutton, I accepted every time he offered. (You know I know you know already…it’s going downhill from here).

So the point in the evening came where my girlfriends all wanted to go home, but I didn’t. Now ladies, this should have been my cue. When you’ve been drinking and you’ve got a ride home, stick with the original plan!!!

Well, me and my stubborn self decided that I really wanted to stay and hang out with this guy. And free drinks, who could refuse?? So that’s what I did. I stayed around the bar with the guy, drank more for free, and whaddya know, the end of the night was looming and I suddenly had to “go to the ladies room”……That was code for “I’m feeling sick”.

I made it to the bathroom, and NO, I didn’t throw up……Even worse…..I fell asleep on the toilet!!

In fact, I was so trashed that by 7am, the cleaning ladies came in and were calling my name. When I heard their voices, I was thinking “Wow, who is calling me and how do they know my name?”. As it turned out, the guy, actually being a nice guy, stuck around. And since he couldn’t go in the ladies room, he asked the cleaning ladies to come check on me.

What a gentleman, huh!

Well, I finally made it out of the bathroom and was totally embarassed. I just told him that I was tired and fell asleep. The reality was, I was drunk and passed out.

He even managed to exceed my heroic view by hailing a cab to take me home. When the cab was ready to drop me off, low and behold…I had NO CASH! Actually, I had $2.00. But sadly, it didn’t make a dent in the cab fare. So I offered to write the cab driver a check, and he took it. Interestingly enough, he never cashed it.

I must have been a pretty pathetic case.

This time around, my only caveat is for the ladies: When it’s late and you girlfriends want to leave, just take the guy’s number and call him the next day when you’ve recovered! If you’ve been drinking, leave in time to save face!